Addiction

At the time these feelings of being a woman trapped in a man's body became to strong to deny I started using hard drugs.  Now I was already using recreational drugs such as cannabis, speed(amphetamine) and ecstasy but they didn't do what I need, I had to numb my mind and try to rid myself of these 'crazy' thoughts.

   I was ashamed and felt that there was something wrong with me, in a bad way, I also was worried what people thought of me.  When I first tried heroine I sank into a gouch(a comatose state)and I was sick too but not the horrible vomit you get when you are unwell but a nice sick.  This was what I needed because it made all my feelings and worries go away for the time I was 'high'.  I said what all addicts have said in the past, "I'm too strong to get addicted" and "I control the drug the drug doesn't control me!" but that attitude gave me 15 years of torment and little memories.  At the end of the day my 'problem' was still there and no matter how hard I tried to deny it to myself, it was never going away.  So after a long term prison sentence was handed down to me I decided there and then that I (a)needed to get off the heroine (b)speak to the right people about how I feel and that's what I did.

   There was a course in prison for addicts called Substance Related Offending Behaviour Program(SROBP) and unlike the rest of the programs they have for prisoners, this one actually worjs.  You have to put the work in and not watch slides or fill out question-airs.  They take you back to your first memories and start from there, now it's group work and although I wasn't explaining my thoughts on being a woman I was still putting the work in on my own.  I also went on the Methadone program(they should not prescribe this stuff any more) and then onto another detox called Suboxone(which is the way forward for addicts) and have never looked back.  I've been clean for years now and had a clear head to speak to the mental health team and gender clinic about how I was feeling.

   So all you out there try to remember that when you see a 'junkie'(addict) walking down the street, they are not necessary bad people but have real troubles and issues that has maybe pushed them to that point.  Saying that I've met a lot who are just idiots and wasters.